You Don’t Have to Be Nice to Be Good: Why Protecting Your Peace Is Leadership
Protect Your Peace: How Strong Women Stop Being Too Nice and Start Leading | Jo Renshaw Life Coaching, Brighton
The thought came to her during a conversation with her partner, somewhere between defensiveness and exhaustion.
"I think I’m just too nice," Lizzie said.
And I knew what she meant. Not because she was wrong. But because so many of us—especially women, especially mothers—have been taught that being nice is the goal. Keep the peace. Keep everyone happy. Don’t rock the boat.
In this blog, we’re going to explore what really happens when being “nice” turns into over-justifying, over-giving, and under-protecting yourself. You’ll learn why protecting your peace isn’t selfish, how leadership begins in the small, quiet moments, and what it takes to shift from defensiveness to calm authority—at work, at home, and in your relationships. Ultimately you’ll learn how to stop being too nice, protect your peace and end those people-pleasing patterns once and for all.
Until you realise: the boat is full of holes, and you’re the only one bailing water.
When Niceness Leaves You Exposed
Lizzie had just made a tough call in her business. Her long-time assistant had left, and instead of scrambling to replace her like-for-like, she recruited four new virtual assistants and split the hours between them. That way, if one left again, she wouldn’t be left vulnerable.
"I worked out all my finances," she said. "Basically what I make off all the other VAs covers all my expenses in the business at the moment. So that means that the work I do, I earn the money for."
It was clear, structured, proactive. A leadership move.
But she almost didn’t do it. Because of the thought: I don’t want to rock the boat.
That thought had been following her around for years. In business, in parenting, in her relationship.
"I didn’t want to upset her," she said, talking about a previous team member who'd been underperforming. "So I let her work her notice… and then she left and I was the one left unprotected."
Sound familiar?
You can learn more about how I help women lead with intention here
The Myth of Selfless Strength
Here’s what I see over and over again: smart, capable women who lead in every other area of their life, but still struggle to protect their own peace.
Because we’re taught to think of strength as sacrifice. We confuse niceness with kindness. We think setting a boundary is mean, and letting something slide is generous.
And for Lizzie, that pattern wasn’t just playing out at work.
At home, it showed up in the quiet tension between her and her partner Nick, especially when it came to parenting their son. One evening, after their son had been watching scary videos that kept him up at night, Lizzie decided to take away his devices. The next morning, he kicked off—understandably. And instead of giving in, she breathed through it. She stayed firm.
Later, when Nick saw their son upset, he responded sharply. And Lizzie found herself explaining—again—why she’d made the decision. Why their son had reacted that way. Why she hadn’t told Nick earlier. All of it.
The Thought Pattern That Keeps You Stuck
That’s when we mapped it out using The Model:
Circumstance: Nick says, "It’s annoying when he does that."
Thought: I need to protect my son.
Feeling: Defensive, protective.
Action: Justify her son’s behaviour, explain, rescue, smooth things over.
Result: Lizzie ends up unprotected.
When she saw it like that, the penny dropped.
"I think I do that a lot," she said quietly. "Justify myself to people. Not just at home, at work too."
Leadership Isn’t Always Loud
The real shift didn’t come from a dramatic confrontation. It came one morning, in the kitchen, when her son came in looking for his devices. Lizzie had banned them the night before after discovering he’d been watching scary stuff again.
"Every part of me was like, he's going to kick off," she said. "And when you’re already feeling low, it’s so tempting to just let them have what they want. But I didn’t. I stood by it. And I just sat there, breathing, letting him kick off."
I asked what that moment felt like.
"Controlled," she said. "It felt controlled."
That’s what leadership looks like. Not yelling. Not giving in. Not explaining for the tenth time. Just calmly holding the line.
And if it feels at times like no one is listening, this blog is for you.
You Don’t Have to Be Loud to Be Strong
And you don’t have to be nice to be good.
Lizzie started practicing a new thought: I am the most important person here.
She wrote it down at night. Whispered it to herself before tough conversations. Used it as armour when old patterns crept in.
It wasn’t about arrogance or selfishness. It was about rooting herself in self-worth.
"I think that’s definitely something I need to reinforce," she said. And then, half-laughing, added, "Maybe I’ll write it in my wedding vows."
We both laughed. But honestly? Why not.
If we taught women that protecting their peace was sacred, not selfish—how different would our relationships look? Our businesses? Our lives?
Let This Be Your Reminder
In this blog, we looked at how the urge to be 'nice'—to keep the peace, avoid conflict, smooth things over—can quietly undermine your leadership, your relationships, and your sense of self. We saw how Lizzie (maybe like you) was protecting everyone else while leaving herself exposed. And we learned that the antidote isn't aggression or control, but calm authority, curiosity, and self-trust.
You’ve learned that protecting your peace doesn’t make you selfish—it makes you strong.
You’ve seen how leadership starts with small decisions: a device ban held with grace, a business pivot made with clarity, a conversation approached with curiosity instead of defence.
So let this be your reminder:
You’re allowed to lead with boundaries.
You’re allowed to parent without panic.
You’re allowed to take up space, ask questions, and protect your own energy.
You’re not too much. You’re not too sensitive. You’re not failing because someone else gets upset.
You matter.
You are the asset.
And we always protect the asset first.
📞 Ready to Lead With Confidence?
Want help untangling the people-pleasing patterns that are keeping you stuck?
Book a free Discovery Call and let’s figure it out together.
This blog is inspired by the work I do with my clients during sessions, and brought to you in partnership with AI.
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