How Fear of Judgment Stops Women Leading Themselves (And What to Do Instead)
Fear of Judgment and Self-Leadership: How to Stop Overthinking and Start Leading | Jo Renshaw Life Coaching, Brighton, UK
There’s a quiet, persistent fear of judgement that many of my Brighton-based clients bring into coaching. It doesn’t always announce itself clearly at first, but it shows up in the pauses before speaking, the late-night overthinking, the endless editing of emails, or the bracing before walking into yet another meeting that feels more like an exam than a conversation.
Maybe you know that fear of being judged? The awkward heat behind your ears when someone interrupts you. This is where confidence coaching for women comes in, designed for helping you when it comes to reclaiming personal power. That tight feeling in your chest before you share an idea, even though you're technically the one in charge. Or the way you feel the need to prove yourself—again—when someone questions your decision. In this blog, we’re going to explore why that fear of judgment is so draining, how it stops you from leading yourself (and others), and what you can begin to do instead—gently, imperfectly, with a bit more compassion.
And just to say: this isn’t about perfection. If you’re hoping for a neat fix or three steps to finally stop caring what other people think... that’s not where we’re heading. But what I can show you is how one client—Sara—started to soften that fear, understand what was underneath it, and reclaim her own authority without needing anyone else’s permission.
When the fear isn’t just “in your head”
Sara is a highly capable woman with a senior role, a sharp brain, and a pretty decent life on the outside. And yet, when we first started working together, she told me, “I don’t like appraisals. I don’t want to be judged. I can’t stand being scrutinised.” It wasn’t casual—her whole body tensed at the thought.
What’s interesting is that she knows she’s good at her job. She gets results. She’s got years of experience. But that didn’t stop her from feeling as though every meeting was a test, every question a trap. Her brain, like many of ours, had equated scrutiny with danger.
And when we talked about it more, she realised: it wasn’t just work. This discomfort had been there since childhood. Sitting on the stairs waiting for her parents to come back from parents’ evening. Dreading what they might say. Bracing for something—anything—that might confirm her worst suspicion: that she’d somehow failed.
I think this is something we don’t talk about enough. That for a lot of successful women, the fear of judgment isn’t irrational. It’s learned. It’s rehearsed. It’s been useful at times. And it’s exhausting.
The problem with waiting to feel “ready”
The thing is, Sara thought if she just kept proving herself, this fear would go away. That one day, she’d feel calm. Confident. Judgement-proof. But what we uncovered together was the opposite: the more she tried to avoid judgment, the more it controlled her.
I wrote another blog here about what to do when you feel judged by someone else.
Here’s the real kicker. When we resist feeling something—like fear, anxiety, shame—it tends to stick around longer. It gets louder. So she found herself buffering. Staying silent. Overthinking. Avoiding conflict. Telling herself, “I’ll speak up next time… when I’m more prepared.”
She was waiting for emotional safety before taking action.
And what I explained to her—what we worked on week by week—is that it doesn’t work like that. If you want to lead, to grow, to influence your environment (whether that’s a boardroom in Brighton or a WhatsApp group with your kids’ school mums), you have to be willing to feel judged.
You have to allow discomfort. Not because it’s noble. But because it’s human.
You Don’t Need to Conquer Fear—Just Stop Resisting It
At some point, Sara said something that stopped me in my tracks. She said, “I used to think I’d eventually conquer all this—like I’d stop feeling fear one day.” And then she laughed and said, “But I realise I’d have to shrink my whole life to make that happen.”
That’s it.
Fear doesn’t mean something’s gone wrong. Being afraid of judgment doesn’t make you weak. It makes you… a person.
What changed for her wasn’t that she stopped caring. It was that she stopped judging herself for caring. She started noticing her reactions, naming the emotions, and making space for them instead of pushing them down or pretending they weren’t there.
And weirdly—beautifully—that created more room. More calm. She started showing up differently. Not just in work meetings, but in the swimming pool at lunch, at Slimming World where she’s quietly lost 8 pounds, and even in how she handled a pretty toxic colleague without blowing up or backing down.
Not perfect. But steady. Grounded. In charge of herself.
Read what Psychology Today have to say about other people judging you.
So What Does This Mean for You?
If you recognise any of this—maybe the overthinking, the fear of scrutiny, the desire to be respected without having to be so damn cautious all the time—then here’s the takeaway:
You don’t need a total personality overhaul. You don’t need to be fearless. You just need to start seeing your fear not as a flaw, but as a message. Something to listen to… not obey.
Start small:
Notice when you’re bracing before a meeting.
Observe your thoughts without immediately reacting to them.
Try letting the discomfort rise and pass without needing to “fix” it.
Because real self-leadership doesn’t come from being perfectly confident. It comes from being willing to feel exposed, and choosing to show up anyway.
Ready to Lead Yourself Differently?
And if you’re ready to practise that with someone who gets it—who’s walked the path and now teaches it—The Life Audit is a powerful place to begin. It’s a one-off coaching experience designed to help you understand exactly what’s happening in your inner world, so you can stop spinning and start leading—with intention, and on your own terms.
This blog is inspired by the work I do with my clients during sessions, and brought to you in partnership with AI.
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