How to Know If You're Ready to Love Again, Without Losing Yourself
Ready to Love Again? How to Open Your Heart Without Losing Yourself | Jo Renshaw Life Coach, Brighton, UK
Have you ever found yourself saying, “I’m not interested in a relationship,” only to feel a flicker of something unexpected when you least expect it? Up to this point you’ve not known how to love without losing yourself.
In this blog, we’re going to unpack what that something might really mean. You’ll meet Rebecca, a coaching client who believed relationships were a waste of time, until a surprise encounter on a flight made her question everything.
I’ll share a story from my own life about how I went from done-with-dating (I didn’t want to go dating after heartbreak) to deeply in love, without compromising a single part of myself, and how I created emotional safety in relationships. And finally, we’ll walk through a new model for love, one where you don’t have to shrink, contort, or compromise to be in it. You might be surprised to discover that perhaps you are ready for love again.
Let’s begin with Rebecca.
The Rulebook We Didn’t Know We Were Following
When Rebecca came to coaching, she was confident, independent, and, on the surface, completely disinterested in love.
She described her view of relationships like a three-act play:
Stage One: Wild chemistry and adrenaline (“rip your clothes off” energy).
Stage Two: Disillusionment. The rose-tinted glasses come off. Conflict begins.
Stage Three: Compromise. You learn to tolerate each other 90% of the time.
Not exactly a love story.
More like a survival manual.
Beneath the surface were deeper beliefs:
That men are mostly self-interested.
That relationships are hard work and mostly disappointing.
That being single was the safest, sanest option.
But then something happened.
A Stranger on a Plane
On a short flight to Spain, Rebecca found herself sitting next to a man she instantly clicked with. They talked non-stop for hours. They laughed. They shared stories. And as the plane descended, she did something brave: she asked if he wanted to stay in touch.
He said yes.
But when she checked her phone later, the red flags appeared, disappearing messages, no surname, vague replies.
Her gut told her something was off. And this time, she trusted it.
“I didn’t spiral. I didn’t shame myself. But I did realise: I might want a relationship more than I’ve been willing to admit.”
That insight cracked the door open. Not to chase him, but to become curious about what she really wanted.
The Trap of Waiting for the “Right” Person
At one point in our session, I asked Rebecca directly: "Do you want a relationship?"
Her answer was thoughtful, but it held a hidden trap. She said something like, "Well, if the right person came along, you know, someone I got on with really well, then yes, I'd probably want one."
And that really struck me.
Because what she was saying, without meaning to, was that the other person, this hypothetical perfect match, would be responsible for making her want a relationship. If the connection was amazing enough, then she'd say yes. In essence, she wasn’t 100% sure if she was ready for love.
It sounds harmless. Even romantic. But it gives all the power away. It means she's waiting for them to prove it's worth it, instead of knowing what she wants ahead of time.
That kind of thinking makes love conditional. It puts your heart in someone else's hands before you've even decided whether you want to offer it.
I used to think that way, too. Which is why I want to share my story next, because everything shifted when I stopped waiting to be chosen, and started choosing for myself.
My Story: Love Without Compromise
I really get where Rebecca was coming from, because I’ve been there.
I was almost 50, living on my own in a beautiful flat in Brighton, overlooking The English Channel, thinking maybe that was it for me. I’d had three significant relationships, all with men who struggled with alcohol. And each one ended for good reason. But still, they taught me something. I call them Soul Contracts now. They were chapters that needed to happen. You can learn more about Soul Contracts here, from Caroline Myss.
Eventually, I reached a place where I was genuinely okay with being single. I wasn’t on the apps. I wasn’t even looking. I’d decided to pour all the love I had into myself. I got really clear on what mattered to me, who I was, how I wanted to live. I redefined my status from ‘Single’ to ‘Whole & Complete’. I liked the way that felt in my body when I said it.
And then, just like that, I met Marcus. Through my work. In real life.
There was no drama. No second-guessing. No pretending to be someone I wasn’t.
We talk. We laugh. We parent. We have tough conversations sometimes, about kids, cats, tiredness, work, money, real life. But there’s no compromising who we are. There’s no erosion. We meet as equals.
And that’s what changed everything for me: I didn’t have to give anything up to be in love. I didn’t lose myself. I saw myself as whole and complete as I was, before we met. I brought my whole self, and he met me there.
What If You’re Asking the Wrong Question?
When women come to coaching, they often say:
“I don’t know if I want a relationship.”
But I challenge them to ask a different question:
“Why might someone want a relationship?”
It opens up a whole new way of thinking.
Instead of searching for a yes or no, we get to explore purpose, desire, and values. We move from defensiveness to curiosity. And from there, everything softens.
A New Way to Think About Love
Here’s the model we explored together in coaching. You can use it to reflect on where you are, and where you might want to go.
🌱 1. See yourself as already Whole & Complete
When you stop needing love to complete you, you become someone who can choose it freely.
🔍 2. Reframe the Past
See every relationship as a chapter in your growth. Not a failure, but a contract, now complete.
🧘♀️ 3. Know Who You Are
What do you value? What’s non-negotiable? A healthy relationship doesn’t make you less of yourself, it honours who you already are.
💎 4. Hold High Standards
There’s a difference between compromise and self-erasure. The right person will meet you at your level.
💖 5. Love Yourself First
When you pour love into yourself, you radiate. You attract. You choose wisely, from sufficiency and abundance, versus lack. (Read more about valuing yourself here)
🛏️ 6. Meet People in Real Life
Live fully. Say yes to invitations. Be who you are. Let the world bring connection to your doorstep.
🚩 7. Don’t Shrink
If you’re constantly doubting, bending, or questioning your worth, it’s not love. Love lets you breathe.
Final Thoughts
If you've been telling yourself that you're not interested in love, you might be absolutely right.
Or you might be protecting a heart that still hopes for more.
Rebecca thought she was done with relationships. Then one conversation on a flight reminded her how good human connection can feel, and how powerful it is to notice red flags without abandoning yourself. Being a confident woman and dating is possible, even if you’ve had past relationships that didn't work out the way you wanted them to in the past.
I thought I was done too. And then I met a man who didn’t want me to compromise one bit.
So maybe the question isn’t if you’re ready for love.
Maybe it’s this:
“What kind of love will I choose to welcome, and am I willing to let me stay exactly who I am?”
Want to explore what’s next?
📞 Book a free Discovery Call, and let’s talk about what’s possible for you.
This blog is inspired by the work I do with my clients during sessions, and brought to you in partnership with AI.
Feeling Stuck? Here’s How to Get Your Life Back on Track - Without the Overwhelm
Have you ever wished you had a personal coach to tell you exactly what to do to improve your life - without having to second-guess yourself, waste time figuring it all out alone, or add more to your already full plate?
