What Happens When You Put Yourself First (and Why It's Not Selfish)
Put Yourself First Without Guilt: Why It’s Not Selfish, It’s Essential
When was the last time you put yourself first—and didn’t apologise for it?
When was the last time you put yourself first—and didn’t apologise for it?
If your answer is, “I can’t remember” or “Does finishing my tea while it’s still hot count?”—you’re not alone.
For so many of us, especially mid-life women juggling work, relationships, families, and aging parents, putting ourselves first can feel not just unfamiliar, but downright wrong. We might be asking ourselves, "Is it selfish to put yourself first?” We're conditioned to give, fix, accommodate, soften. We're praised for it, even when we’re on the edge of burnout from overgiving. And when we don’t say yes to everything asked of us, the discomfort can be intense.
But here’s what I’ve learned—sometimes the most powerful transformation starts with one brave, quiet act of self-prioritisation.
The Conditioning That Keeps You Last in Line
From an early age, many of us are taught that being “good” means putting others first. We’re praised for being helpful, selfless, accommodating. And over time, those behaviours become reflexive. Not just what we do—but who we believe we are.
This programming runs deep:
Saying yes when we mean no
Taking responsibility for others’ feelings
Avoiding conflict at the cost of our own truth
We become women who are excellent at caring for others and increasingly disconnected from ourselves.
And eventually, that disconnection shows up as exhaustion, resentment, or even illness. The mind and body can’t keep giving indefinitely without being nourished in return.
When you listen to your own needs, you move through life with clarity and calm
The Day I Said No (and Didn’t Feel Bad About It)
Not long ago, I was asked to volunteer for a local event. I’d helped out before. I knew what was involved. I could do it. I almost said yes.
Almost.
Because this time, I did something different.
Before responding, I paused. I asked myself:
“If I say yes to this, what will I be saying no to?”
The answer was clear—my rest, my own creative work, and the spacious weekend I’d finally carved out for myself.
So I said no.
Politely. Kindly. And clearly.
And then? The inner commentary started: “You’re letting people down. They’ll think you’re selfish. It’s just one weekend.”
But underneath that noise was something stronger. Something steadier.
Relief. Peace. Self-trust. (You can read more about How to Build Unbreakable Self-Trust by clicking this link)
Because I knew in that moment I was honouring myself. And the world didn’t fall apart. The event went ahead. Someone else stepped in. And I felt more grounded and energised than I had in weeks.
Putting Yourself First Isn’t Selfish—it’s Sacred
We’ve been told that self-prioritisation is selfish. But what if the opposite is true?
What if putting yourself first is what makes you more generous, more present, and more resilient?
When you listen to your needs and honour your limits, you’re not withdrawing from life—you’re showing up to it more fully. You’re leading by example. You’re creating the kind of self-trust that makes real connection possible.
And here’s the truth: putting yourself first doesn’t mean others lose out. It just means the version of you they get is whole, resourced, and rooted.
One simple pause before saying yes can change everything.
How to Start Putting Yourself First (Without Guilt)
You don’t have to burn everything down or run away to Bali to reclaim your space. Here are a few practical ways to begin:
1. Pause before you say yes
Give yourself permission to check in. Ask: “Is this a true yes—or a people pleasing yes?”
2. Remember that rest is productive
You are not a machine. Rest restores your clarity, your energy, and your creativity. It’s not a luxury—it’s a need.
3. Communicate clearly and kindly
Boundaries are a gift—not a punishment. Saying “I’m not available for that this time” is respectful to everyone involved.
4. Flip the compassion
You are likely overflowing with empathy for others. Turn some of that inward. Ask: “Am I being as kind to myself as I am to everyone else?”
5. Get support
You don’t have to untangle this alone. Coaching, journaling, or a walk-and-talk with a trusted friend can help you hear yourself more clearly.
Putting yourself first allows you to lead with calm, not chaos.
You First—Not Because Others Don’t Matter, But Because You Do
Imagine what would change if you went first.
If your needs, your truth, and your energy mattered as much as everyone else’s.
If you made decisions not from guilt, but from self-respect.
If you believed that honouring yourself could be the most generous thing you do all day.
You don’t have to hustle for your worth. You don’t have to apologise for your limits.
Start here. Start now.
Start with one simple act of putting yourself first.
Want Support While You Practice This?
This is the kind of deep, life-changing work I do with my clients—especially women who are ready to move from exhaustion to ease, from people-pleasing to presence, from self-sacrifice to self-trust.
If this speaks to you, I’d love to help. You can explore 1-2-1 coaching with me by booking a complimentary Discovery Call, where we’ll spend an hour diving into all the things you want solutions to. By the end of the hour you’ll have a clear plan for the next steps you need to take so that you can start to feel calm, and fially put yourself first. Click this link to book your call today.
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