What Really Happens When We Try to Avoid Feeling Scared
How to Feel Your Feelings Instead of Buffering | Jo Renshaw Coaching
What Really Happens When We Try to Avoid Feeling Scared
Fear can be a slippery emotion. Sometimes it shows up clearly, like before a big decision or change. But more often, it creeps in quietly. We don’t feel scared—we just feel distracted, agitated, restless. We scroll, snack, overthink, or sink into busywork, all in the name of staying comfortable.
In this blog, we’re going to talk about what that avoidance really is—a concept called buffering. You’ll learn how your brain uses it to protect you, how to recognise when it's happening in your own life, and most importantly, how to feel fear (and other emotions) without needing to run from them.
What Buffering Looks Like (Spoiler: It’s Normal)
A client of mine—we’ll call her Rebecca—was preparing to move across the country for a new internship. She was excited. Proud of how far she’d come. But also quietly terrified. Not of the move itself, but of what it meant: leaving behind familiarity, friends, family, and stepping into something completely unknown.
She started to notice herself slipping into old habits. Scrolling dating apps—not because she wanted to meet someone, but because it gave her brain something else to focus on. Distraction wrapped in connection. The illusion of control when everything else felt uncertain.
“I think I’m just scared,” she told me. “And I don’t want to mess this up.”
She hadn’t done anything wrong. But her mind was spinning. Because when we avoid fear, it doesn’t disappear. It just gets louder. And without the right tools to sit with it, our brains will offer any escape route they can find—even ones that leave us feeling worse.
Buffering Is What Happens When We Don’t Know How to Feel
Most of us never learned how to feel an emotion. We learned how to fix it, cover it up, numb it, or overthink it. We were taught to be productive, polite, and positive—but not present. So when something uncomfortable bubbles up, like fear or sadness, we reach for whatever helps us feel in control again, even if only for a moment.
This is where buffering comes in. Buffering is what we do to avoid feeling an emotion that feels too uncomfortable to sit with. It’s the scroll, the snack, the late-night online shopping cart, the 'just one more episode.' It offers short-term relief—but it often leads to a net negative effect on the other side. Think of it like emotional debt: you borrow comfort now, but you pay for it later in regret, disconnection, shame, or more anxiety. And what makes buffering so tricky is that some of it even looks productive—cleaning the kitchen, answering emails, listening to a self-help podcast. But if the underlying goal is to avoid feeling something real? That’s buffering too.
It often looks like over-consuming—more food than you need, more social media than you enjoy, more Netflix than you remember watching. It might be online shopping, pouring a third glass of wine, obsessively researching, or even bingeing self-help content. Yes, even personal development can be a buffer if you’re using it to avoid actually feeling what’s going on inside.
Sometimes it looks like opening the fridge or your phone. Other times it looks like filling every minute of your day so you don’t have to be alone with your thoughts. It might even come across as snapping at someone you love, just to discharge the pressure you’re carrying inside.
Life Is 50/50
But here’s the truth: Emotions aren’t emergencies. They’re experiences. They rise. They peak. They pass. And they often come bearing information you can’t access any other way.
That’s because life itself is meant to be emotional—and not just the pleasant parts. Life is 50/50. Half of it feels lovely, connected, inspiring. The other half feels hard: sad, angry, shameful, anxious. And that’s not a flaw in the system. It’s part of the human experience.
When someone we love dies, we want to feel sad. When someone violates our boundary, we want to feel angry. We lie to ourselves that happiness is the goal, that if we were just more successful, more mindful, more organised, we could feel good all the time. But that belief causes unnecessary suffering.
Emotions like fear, regret, frustration, even shame, exist for a reason. They help us course correct. They tell us what matters. And without them, life would be flat. No contrast. No colour. No growth. It’s the contrast that helps us recognise what’s good. It gives depth to our joy, richness to our gratitude, and meaning to the moments when things do feel okay.
And the way through emotions—all of them, not just the nice ones—is through them. With awareness. With compassion. With courage to feel what’s real before you try to solve it.
📍 HOW TO ACTUALLY FEEL AN EMOTION
(Instead of distracting yourself)
1. Name it.
Pause and say, “I’m feeling scared right now.” Or “I’m feeling anxious.” Or “I’m feeling sad.” That single word—feeling—matters. It puts just enough distance between you and the emotion to remind you: you are not your feelings. You are the one noticing them. This small shift creates space. It reduces the power of the emotion, not by ignoring it, but by witnessing it clearly and kindly.
2. Drop into your body.
Ask: Where do I feel this?
You might notice a flutter in your chest. A tight jaw. Heavy shoulders. Just describe it—like a curious observer. “My heart feels fast. My stomach feels buzzy.”
3. Breathe on purpose.
Try a simple breath pattern:
Inhale for 4 counts, exhale for 6. Do this five times. It tells your nervous system you’re safe.
4. Allow it to be there.
But instead of rushing to fix it, just say: “This is fear. I can feel fear. It won’t last forever.”
Try putting one hand on your chest, one on your belly. Stay with the feeling for 90 seconds. That’s often all it takes to move through the wave.
5. Don’t judge yourself.
This isn’t about doing it “right.” You don’t need to have perfect thoughts or stop the feeling. You’re just staying present. That’s the win.
Why This Matters
When Rebecca learned how to sit with fear instead of running from it, everything changed. She stopped spiralling into shame. She stopped assuming something had gone wrong. She started seeing fear for what it was: a signal that something mattered.
She wasn’t weak. She was becoming emotionally stronger.
And this isn’t just something that worked for her—this is something you can practice too. When you allow yourself to feel your emotions rather than outrun them, you develop self-trust. You build resilience. You prove to yourself that you can stay grounded even when life feels shaky. And that changes everything.
You’re not trying to eliminate fear. You’re learning how to be with it. That’s the real growth.
A Thought You Can Borrow
“This is fear, and I can feel fear without needing to change it.”
It’s not always graceful. Sometimes you’ll still reach for your phone, or the chocolate, or the busywork. That’s okay. You can catch yourself. Gently. And try again.
Because every time you feel instead of buffer, you build emotional strength. You show yourself that you can be trusted—not just when things are calm, but when they’re messy too.
Ready to Take This Work Deeper?
If any of this resonated with you—if you’re tired of feeling like your emotions run the show, or if you want to learn how to feel what you feel without fear—let’s talk.
Book a free call and come and explore how 1:1 life coaching can help you stop buffering and start feeling with clarity, courage, and compassion. We’ll look at where you’re getting stuck, and how to move forward—one honest emotion at a time.
This blog is inspired by the work I do with my clients during sessions, and brought to you in partnership with AI.
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