This Stops With Me: How to Break Free from People-Pleasing and Trust Yourself Again

Break the Cycle of People-Pleasing and Build Self-Trust | Jo Renshaw Life Coaching

You know those moments when your stomach drops, but you smile anyway? When someone makes a comment that lands a bit too hard or you find yourself nodding along, even though everything in your body says, “No, this isn’t right”?

That’s people-pleasing. And while it often gets dressed up as kindness or grace, the truth is—it’s self-abandonment. Especially when it becomes the default way we navigate relationships. Especially family ones.

Fiona knows this feeling well. Picture her: long wooden dining table, Scottish Highlands, a glass of wine maybe, and then it comes—her mother-in-law, casually cutting across the atmosphere with a comment. "You're too thin." Or maybe it was, "You're too fat." She can’t quite remember now. It changes depending on the day. Either way, she stayed polite. Smiled. Didn't say what she was really thinking.

Because that’s what she was taught to do.

In this blog we’ll explore why we do it and how to stop people pleasing. Plus I’ll guide you through a powerful exercise to help you build self trust, develop emotional boundaries and break generational patterns so that you can become an emotionally healthy role model for the next generation. If you’re ready to learn how to set emotional boundaries (something you can also read more about in my blog about the Life Audit) with family lets dive in.

Why People-Pleasing Isn’t What You Think

People pleasing  can look generous. Cooperative. Even loving. But if the underlying emotion is fear, anxiety, or a need to be approved of, then it’s not coming from authenticity—it’s coming from survival.

Fiona told me, “I feel like I have to put on an act. I become this version of myself that she wants me to be.” And she’s not alone in that. So many of us learned early that it was safer to smooth things over than to rock the boat. 

You might be the one who keeps the family running, the workplace smooth, the group chat civil. But inside? It might feel tight. Compressed. Like you're holding your breath to make sure everything stays okay.

Maybe no one ever taught you that you don’t have to earn your place by over-accommodating everyone else. Maybe you're just realising that now.

Choosing your own path isn’t rude - it’s self leadership

The Hidden Cost of Keeping the Peace

Let’s be honest. Sometimes we stay quiet because it feels easier than the alternative. We go along with things to avoid conflict. We ignore the nudge in our gut because we don’t want to seem dramatic, difficult, or high-maintenance.

Fiona shared a moment that still stung—a church service she attended with her daughter. The vicar talked about death, dying, pain. Over and over. Repeating heavy, confronting words. Fiona instinctively wanted to take her daughter out. But her husband said no. It’s the community, he insisted. It wouldn’t look right.

So she stayed. Sat through it, fighting back tears, questioning herself, wondering whether she was being “too sensitive.” Afterwards, she said to me, “I wished she’d had a tantrum. Then I’d have had an excuse to leave.”

How many times have we wished for an external excuse just to follow our internal knowing?

But every time you silence yourself, that cost adds up. Not just in your body (hello, tension, anxiety, exhaustion) but in your relationship with yourself. Over time, you start to question your instincts. Doubt your clarity. Wait for permission.

And maybe the person you’re becoming in those moments isn’t the version of you that you want your daughter to inherit.

“This Stops With Me” – How to Break Generational Patterns

Here’s the beautiful, slightly terrifying truth: you don’t have to keep the pattern going. You can end it. Not by fixing the past, but by choosing something new right now.

What it means to model emotional self-leadership

It doesn’t mean shouting at your mother-in-law at dinner. Or calling out your aunt at brunch. It doesn’t mean burning bridges. It just means deciding that you will no longer shrink, perform, or self-abandon to make other people comfortable.

This is what emotional leadership looks like. Especially if you’re a parent. Your daughter (or anyone watching you) learns not just from what you say but from what you tolerate.

You’re showing her how to value her peace. Her truth. Her voice.

Fiona said to me, “I have a sense of duty... a moral responsibility to behave a certain way. To protect the family dynamic.” And I get that. Truly. Many of us carry that burden. But what if protecting the family starts with protecting your truth?

Maybe it’s as simple as quietly leaving the table. Or saying, “I see it differently.” Or even just refusing to explain your decisions to people who’ve already decided not to understand you.

And maybe—just maybe—that’s enough.

Brene Brown argues that people-pleasing is a way to ensure attachment and belonging, particularly in childhood, where we may suppress our authenticity to maintain a connection with caregivers. She encourages practicing self-compassion, which involves accepting our own imperfections and recognizing that it's okay to not always be perfect or please everyone. Watch her talk about How to ask for what you want here

🧠 The “Permission Slip” Exercise to Build Self-Trust

This is a quick self-coaching tool to help you break the habit of looking outward for approval and start building trust with yourself.

Step 1: Name the moment
Think of a recent situation where you said yes, stayed quiet, or went along with something when you really didn’t want to.

Example: “I stayed in a conversation that felt off because I didn’t want to be rude.”

Step 2: Identify the thought

What belief kept you stuck?

Example: “They’ll think I’m difficult if I walk away.”

Step 3: Flip it
What else could be true?

Example: “It’s okay to prioritise my peace.”

Step 4: Write your permission slip
Write this down, or say it out loud:

“I give myself permission to [insert your truth]. I don’t need anyone else’s approval.”

Example: “I give myself permission to leave uncomfortable situations without apologising.”

Step 5: Act on it
Choose one moment this week where you act on your permission slip.

Then notice how it feels. No pressure to get it perfect. Just… observe.

The legacy of self-trust starts with you

Why This Matters for You—and for Her

This work isn’t always easy. Sometimes you’ll feel shaky. Sometimes the old voices will whisper that you’re being selfish or dramatic. Or overreacting. Or not being a team player.

But you’re not.

You’re showing up for yourself in a way that maybe no one ever did for you. And in doing that, you’re quietly teaching your daughter—or the next generation of women watching you—what self-respect looks like.

As I told Fiona: “This stops with you.”

And it starts with you.

Right here. Right now.

Ready to make this real? Start with The Life Audit.

If any part of this landed—if you felt a flicker of recognition, a quiet “That’s me”—then it’s time to take one small, powerful step toward yourself.

The Life Audit is where you begin.

It’s a personalised coaching session that helps you get clear on what’s working, what’s not, and what needs to change so you can lead your life with more ease, alignment, and self-trust. No more waiting for permission. No more performing.

Just clarity, courage, and the next right step—for you.

👉 Book your Life Audit now

Because the cycle ends when you decide it does.

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