How to Lead Yourself Like You Matter: Stop Burnout, People-Pleasing, and Invisible Leadership
You’re the glue. The steady one. The person who shows up, handles the crisis, smooths the tension, holds the emotional weight of the team, the family, the relationship.
You’re brilliant at leading others. But no one taught you how to lead yourself.
This blog is for high-functioning women who are running on empty while holding everything together. If you’re reading this with a slightly clenched jaw or that familiar “I’m tired, but I can’t stop” ache behind your eyes you’re in the right place.
Here’s what you’ll learn:
Why emotional leadership is real leadership
How approval-seeking keeps you stuck and exhausted
What it looks like to turn your leadership inwards
A simple, powerful coaching exercise to begin leading yourself differently
Let’s begin with the truth.
You Know How to Take Care of Everyone, But Not Yourself
You can read a room in seconds.
You anticipate needs before they’re voiced.
You’re the one people call when they’re overwhelmed, lost, or spiralling.
You create safety, you hold space, you fix things.
But here’s what I see over and over again with the women I coach: the very strengths that make you invaluable to others are costing you when they’re not directed inward.
You lead like a pro on the outside—but quietly run on empty inside.
And the problem is: no one sees it.
Because you've trained everyone—including yourself—to believe you've got it handled.
You shrug it off. You say “it’s just a busy season” or “I’m lucky to have this life.” And that’s true. But underneath it all?
You’re resentful.
You’re exhausted.
You feel unseen or unappreciated.
You carry a low-level sense of failure, despite the evidence of your competence.
This is the hidden cost of being high-functioning and emotionally intelligent in a world that doesn’t reward invisible labour.
Emotional Leadership Isn’t Soft, It’s Strategic
Some of the most valuable leadership traits don’t fit into performance reviews.
Empathy.
Attunement.
Emotional resilience.
Creating cohesion in your team.
Noticing when someone isn’t okay—even if they say they are.
These aren’t “soft” skills. They’re strategic. Without them, results don’t happen. People don’t collaborate. Trust breaks down.
And yet, many women dismiss this kind of leadership as “just what I do.”
No.
It’s not “just” anything.
It’s everything.
You don’t need to lead like anyone else. You don’t need a louder voice or a harsher edge. Your strength lies in your way of being. That’s valid. And powerful.
The Hidden Cost of Approval-Seeking
So many of the women I work with are smart, competent, high-level performers… who live in quiet fear of being told they’ve done something wrong.
Even before feedback is given, they brace themselves. Replay conversations. Obsess over how that email might have landed.
It’s not because they’re insecure.
It’s because approval has become the currency of their worth.
The thinking goes: if I keep everyone happy, if I get good feedback, then I can feel good about myself.
But here’s the truth: when your self-worth is outsourced to other people’s opinions, you’re always at the mercy of something you can’t control.
The result?
Second-guessing every decision
People-pleasing that leads to burnout
Dismissing your own instincts (read more here about how to build true self confidence)
A powerful shift begins when you stop asking, “What will they think?” and start asking, “What do I know is true about me and the work I’ve done?”
You don’t need their approval to lead with confidence. You need your own.
The Most Important Team Member You’ve Never Led
Here’s a question I love to ask in coaching:
“If you were your own team member, how would you treat yourself?”
Most women pause here. Laugh. Squirm. Cry.
Because they realise: if they were responsible for someone else’s wellbeing the way they are responsible for their own… they would never allow that person to be this unsupported.
So let’s flip the script.
If you were your own direct report:
Would you expect her to carry all of this without acknowledgement?
Would you pile on criticism after a long day?
Would you ignore her obvious need for rest, encouragement, connection?
Or would you sit her down and say:
“You’re doing great. Let’s figure this out together.”
Try This: Journal Prompts for Self-Leadership
Take 15 minutes this week and journal your answers to these questions:
What would I say in a 1:1 with myself?
What kind of support would I offer me?
Where do I already know what I need—but I’m not giving it?
This is the beginning of true self-leadership. Not bubble baths and day spas (though those are lovely). But real, lasting support that changes how you show up.
How Admiring Others Reveals Your Own Strength
You know those moments when you think:
“She’s amazing. Look at how calm she is under pressure.”
“He really knows how to bring people together.”
“I wish I had her clarity.”
Here’s something to try next time you catch yourself admiring someone else:
Ask, “Where do I already do this in my own way?”
Because often, what we admire in others is something we already value deeply, and express subtly.
Maybe you’re not as outspoken, but your quiet consistency creates calm.
Maybe you don’t lead the charge, but you’re the one who keeps the wheels turning.
Maybe you don’t ask for recognition, but you hold everything together behind the scenes.
The point isn’t to become someone else. It’s to notice who you already are.
Conclusion: You Deserve to Be Led with Love, Too
You don’t need a new job title.
You don’t need a new schedule.
You don’t need more willpower.
What you need is to lead yourself with the same clarity, compassion, and belief you offer to everyone else.
That’s what coaching helps you do. It’s not about becoming someone new—it’s about becoming someone who trusts herself. Supports herself. Believes in herself.
You already know how to lead others.
Now it’s time to become the leader you need.
Ready to lead yourself like you matter?
Book a free Discovery Call and let’s explore what your next level of self-leadership could look like.
This blog is inspired by the work I do with my clients during sessions, and brought to you in partnership with AI.
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