Why You Feel Triggered in a Good Relationship, And What It Really Means
Why You Feel Triggered in a Good Relationship | Jo Renshaw Life Coach, Brighton
Have you ever been totally fine… and then your partner casually mentions an ex and you feel that drop in your stomach?
In today’s blog, I’m going to show you what’s really happening in that moment — and how to stop trying to control the conversation so you can create real security from the inside out.
You’ll learn what “triggered” actually means in a model-informed way, why your brain jumps to fear and why that doesn’t mean anything’s gone wrong, how to move from “I need reassurance” to genuine self-safety even when you can’t guarantee the future, and you’ll get a short exercise you can use the very next time you wobble.
I’m going to use a real coaching moment as the inspiration here (client details changed).
Susan’s situation: “I love him… and I hate how my brain reacts”
Susan is in a loving relationship with her partner, Dan.
Early on, she noticed she felt “triggered” when Dan mentioned two women from his past. One was someone he described as deeply “good” and stable. The other was ambitious and exciting — someone he once thought he might end up with. Susan’s brain turned those comments into a threat.
At first, her solution was simple: let’s just not talk about them.
But that doesn’t work long-term, does it? Because in a real relationship — especially one with intimacy and honesty — the past comes up.
What “triggered” actually means (in practical terms)
Let’s get very clear.
A circumstance is neutral. It’s something that happens in the world — words said, a memory mentioned, a look, a tone, a text message. In Susan’s case, the circumstance was: Dan mentioned an ex and said she was great.
That circumstance triggers a thought, and that thought creates a feeling. All circumstances can trigger thoughts because your brain is meaning-making all day long. When Susan heard, “She was such a great person,” her brain immediately assigned meaning to it. That meaning produced an emotion she didn’t want to feel, so her next impulse was to control the circumstance — in other words, control Dan’s words.
Here’s the key: every thought is optional. Not every thought feels optional at first — especially the ones your brain offers at lightning speed — but you always have the option to notice, question, and choose what you want to think on purpose. Instead of “Dan shouldn’t say that,” we move to, “He said some words… and my brain is making it mean something.” That’s where freedom starts.
The fear under the wobble: “This could happen to me”
Susan’s reaction wasn’t really about the ex. It was about the thought her brain attached to the ex. In the session that inspired this blog, the client realised the real thought was “This could happen to me.” I then named what that thought creates underneath it: “I’m not safe here.”
This is why trying to stop the conversation never works. The problem isn’t the words; the problem is the meaning. And once you can see that clearly, you can begin to work with the meaning instead of fighting the relationship itself.
The 50/50 truth: it’s not “all-in” or “it’s doomed”
Susan, like most high-functioning women, was secretly running an expectation that said, “If this is a good relationship, it should be smooth sailing.” But real adult love is 50/50. You can deeply want commitment and still have a brain that gets wobbly. Dan can be confident and still have moments of uncertainty. You can feel safe and still feel vulnerable sometimes.
When we drop the fantasy of permanent certainty, we stop making wobble mean that something is wrong. Instead, we begin to see it as part of being human. That shift alone softens so much unnecessary drama.
Compassion is the skill (not certainty)
This is where Susan’s power actually lives. Not in getting Dan to say the “right” thing, but in meeting herself with compassion when the fear shows up. Compassion doesn’t mean indulging the spiral or agreeing with every anxious thought. It means you stop shaming yourself for having a human brain and start getting curious about what it’s doing.
When you respond to your wobble with compassion instead of criticism, you create internal steadiness. And that steadiness is far more powerful than any reassurance someone else could give you.
A relationship that evolves you: “No one is leaving.”
There’s a passage in Marianne Williamson’s A Return to Love where she describes an adult relationship as one where, when things get intense, no one is leaving. Not storming out, not threatening, not emotionally bailing because it feels uncomfortable — just staying, feeling, processing, and growing.
A strong relationship isn’t one where nobody gets triggered. It’s one where both people are willing to stay in the room long enough to evolve. The willingness to remain present through discomfort is what transforms a relationship from reactive to mature.
Secure love isn’t certainty — it’s self-safety
This is the deepest shift. Susan thought she needed certainty to feel secure, but what she actually needed was a ground inside herself. You can feel heartbreak and still feel safe because you know you have yourself. You have self-trust. You can come back to your own steadiness, even when something hurts.
That’s what real security is. And it changes everything. The moment you stop making your partner responsible for your internal safety, you stop gripping so tightly. You become someone who can love fully without bargaining with the future.
The exercise: From “Triggered” to Secure (10 minutes)
Use this the next time Dan mentions something and your stomach drops.
First, write the circumstance as a simple fact: “Dan mentioned his ex and said she was a great person.” Then write the meaning your brain added by finishing the sentence, “When he says that, my brain makes it mean ______.” Notice what appears — perhaps “He misses her,” “I’m not enough,” or “This could happen to me.”
Next, name the feeling in one word: vulnerable, scared, jealous, unsteady. Then choose a thought that creates self-safety, something you can genuinely access today, such as “My brain is meaning-making; I don’t have to obey it,” or “I can feel vulnerable and still be okay,” or “I’m safe with me.”
Finally, take one small regulating action that brings you back into your body — a slow exhale, softening your shoulders, or a short walk — and ask yourself, “What would I do from love, not fear?”
The bottom line
If your partner mentioning an ex sends you into wobble, you’re not broken. You’re human. The work is not to make him stop talking; the work is to notice what your brain made it mean, meet yourself with compassion, and return to self-safety again and again until security becomes your default.
If you want to go deeper with this and make it second nature, download my guide, “How to Use the Tool to Calm Your Mind and Change Your Results.” It walks you step-by-step through the exact process you’ve just seen, so you can apply it to relationships, work, confidence, and anxiety.
This blog is inspired by the work I do with my clients during sessions, and brought to you in partnership with AI.
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