Why Being Hard on Yourself Never Creates Change
Have you ever noticed how quickly a difficult feeling turns into a full-blown internal attack? You feel annoyed, disappointed, defensive, or hurt, and almost immediately, another voice jumps in telling you to stop it. You shouldn’t feel like this. Why are you still thinking about it? This is ridiculous, move on.
Most of us don’t just experience an uncomfortable emotion. We judge ourselves for having it. And in an attempt to change our behaviour, improve ourselves, or “do better next time,” we end up doing something that makes everything worse: we bully ourselves into trying to change.
It feels productive. It feels disciplined. It feels like self-leadership. But it isn’t. And it never works.
The First Pain Is Human
In a recent coaching session, a client, let’s call her Emma, found herself feeling deeply annoyed after a brief exchange with a close friend. The thought that flashed through her mind was simple and immediate: “I don’t understand why she’s questioning it.”
That thought created the feeling of annoyance. Nothing more, nothing less.
This part matters, because this is where most people think something has gone wrong. But nothing had. A thought arose in response to a situation, and an emotion followed. That is how being human works. Thoughts create feelings. We don’t opt out of that process by being emotionally intelligent, self-aware, or “doing the work.”
This kind of emotional discomfort is what I call clean pain. It’s the natural, temporary experience of being alive, engaged, and meaning-making. Clean pain is not dangerous. It doesn’t derail your life. When it’s allowed to exist, it moves through
The Second Pain Is Self-Inflicted
Where things became painful for Emma wasn’t the annoyance itself. It was what came next.
Almost immediately, she began judging herself for feeling annoyed at all. She noticed herself thinking that she should be more evolved than this, that she was being dramatic, that she needed to snap out of it and stop indulging in a “pity party.” She wanted the feeling gone, and she wanted it gone fast.
This is the moment most of us recognise. The emotional experience hasn’t even finished landing before we start trying to shut it down. We criticise it, shame it, analyse it, rush it, and push ourselves to be different.
Now there are two layers of pain. The original feeling, and the judgement about having it.
This second layer doesn’t motivate change. It creates tension, resistance, and exhaustion. It turns a fleeting emotional moment into something sticky and overwhelming. And because it’s so familiar, we rarely question it.
Why Bullying Yourself Never Works
Here’s the uncomfortable truth: your nervous system does not respond well to force. (Read more about how coaching differs from therapy on this blog)
When you try to control your internal world through criticism and pressure, the part of your brain responsible for safety and survival does not calm down. It tightens, and pushes back. Then it gets louder. Just like a child being shouted at, the emotion doesn’t resolve, it escalates.
This is why trying to “snap out of it” so often backfires. The feeling doesn’t disappear; it morphs. It becomes rumination. Defensiveness. Withdrawal. Martyrdom. Self-doubt. The mind searches for more evidence to justify its distress, and suddenly one small moment feels connected to everything that has ever gone wrong.
At this point, people often conclude that they’re bad at emotional regulation or that they’re broken in some way. In reality, they’re using a strategy that was never designed to work.
What Powerful Self-Leadership Actually Looks Like
Real self-leadership doesn’t sound like bullying. It doesn’t involve domination, suppression, or emotional bypassing. It starts with allowing the first feeling to exist, without indulging it and without attacking yourself for having it.
Allowing a feeling does not mean spiralling into it or staying stuck. It means acknowledging what is already there. This is annoyance. This is sadness. This is disappointment. When you name it without judgement, the nervous system begins to settle. The emotional load lightens instead of doubling.
The most important shift happens when you remove the second layer of pain. When you stop telling yourself that you shouldn’t feel what you feel, clarity starts to return. You can think again. You can choose your next move without the noise of self-criticism blaring in the background.
You Can’t Skip Emotional Honesty
Many high-functioning, capable women believe that emotional honesty will slow them down or keep them stuck. So they try to leapfrog straight to solutions, insights, or “better thoughts.” But emotional honesty is not the obstacle to change, it’s the gateway.
Behaviour changes most reliably when internal pressure is removed. When you stop fighting yourself, you conserve energy. Decisions become cleaner. Conversations become calmer. You respond instead of react.
You don’t need to be tougher on yourself to grow. You need to create enough internal safety to tell the truth about what’s happening without punishment.
A Kinder Way That Actually Works
If there’s one thing I want you to take from this, it’s this: you don’t need to stop feeling. You need to stop fighting yourself for feeling.
This blog is inspired by the work I do with my clients during sessions, and brought to you in partnership with AI.
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