How to Build a Loving Relationship With Yourself (Without Fixing Anything) (Copy)
Build a Loving Relationship With Yourself | Jo Renshaw Life Coach, Brighton
If you’re anything like the women I work with, you’re not struggling because you lack insight, motivation, or emotional intelligence. You’re capable, responsible, and used to holding a lot. And yet, beneath the surface, there’s a quiet but persistent tension: a sense that you should be doing better, handling things better, or feeling more on top of your life than you are.
In this article, you’ll learn why that tension isn’t a sign that something is wrong with you, but a clue about the relationship you have with yourself. We’re talking self-trust for women. You’ll also learn a practical way to soften that relationship, that will show you how to self-regulate the nervous system, not by fixing yourself, but by changing how you respond to yourself when things don’t go to plan and learning how to create a loving relationship with yourself, so that you can feel calmer, more self-trusting, and less emotionally exhausted in everyday life. This could be the very thing to help you stop being hard on yourself.
Why This Isn’t a Self-Improvement Problem
The hidden exhaustion of constantly managing yourself
Most personal development messaging, even when it’s well intentioned, reinforces the idea that we are projects in need of improvement. There is always another habit to install, another mindset to master, another version of yourself to become. For many women, especially those prone to perfectionism and burnout, this creates an internal environment of constant self-surveillance, where even rest or reflection becomes another thing to “do properly.” Over time, this fixing energy generates pressure rather than peace and keeps the nervous system in a low-level state of tension.
How “fixing” energy creates pressure, not peace
Fixing energy carries urgency. It comes with a sense that something needs to change before you can relax. Even supportive practices like journaling or planning can become sources of self-judgment when they are driven by fear rather than care. You can build compliance from this place, and sometimes even short bursts of motivation, but you cannot build safety. Without safety, emotional exhaustion becomes a baseline rather than an exception. That’s where mindset coaching for women comes in.
Why “Fixing Yourself” Never Leads to Safety
The unspoken assumption behind most personal development
At the root of most self-improvement work is the assumption that something is wrong with you. Read this blog about Personal Development. That belief may be subtle, but it shapes the way you relate to yourself every day. It creates an internal hierarchy where a “better” future version of you is always in charge, and the current version is constantly falling short.
Why compliance and motivation aren’t the same as self-trust
Motivation can make you act, but self-trust determines how you treat yourself when you don’t. A loving relationship isn’t built on how productive or consistent you are; it’s built on how you respond to yourself when things are messy, unfinished, or imperfect. Without that foundation, growth always feels fragile.
The Moment You Realise You’re Telling Yourself Off
How missed tasks turn into personal failure
The pain doesn’t come from what you didn’t do, but from what you made it mean. A missed habit or an unfinished task is neutral until the mind adds a story. That story often sounds like, “I should be able to do this,” or “This proves I can’t be trusted.” It’s this meaning, not the behaviour, that creates emotional heaviness.
Why fear of disappointing others is usually self-disappointment
Many people believe they are afraid of disappointing others, but when you slow it down, it’s usually self-disappointment in disguise. The thought that someone else will be disappointed is often a way of externalising the disappointment you already feel towards yourself. The result is a constant internal telling-off that drains energy and creates avoidance. When you’re constantly criticizing yourself, you’ll rebel against your own self, and the thing you’re berating yourself for not doing doesn’t get done. You see how futile the cycle is?
Neutrality - The Missing Skill No One Teaches
Separating facts from meaning
One of the most powerful shifts you can make is learning to describe reality without judgment. “There was an assignment and it wasn’t done” lands very differently in the body than “I didn’t do it and that means I’m failing.” When you remove the meaning, the nervous system settles and clarity becomes available.
Why removing judgment calms the nervous system
Neutrality is not indifference. It is a form of kindness that says, “Nothing has gone wrong here.” From that place, you can decide what to do next without needing to punish yourself first. This is where agency returns.
What a Loving Relationship With Yourself Actually Looks Like
Curiosity instead of blame
A loving relationship begins with curiosity. Instead of asking, “What’s wrong with me?” the question becomes, “What’s actually going on for me right now?” This small shift creates space rather than pressure.
Choice instead of obligation
When you relate to yourself from trust, actions come from choice rather than force. You may still decide to do hard or uncomfortable things, but they are no longer driven by fear or self-criticism.
Read the blog on how to build unbreakable self trust here
Treating yourself as someone you respect
Respect changes the tone of the entire relationship. It assumes competence, good intent, and humanity, even when outcomes aren’t perfect.
You Are the Asset, Not the Problem
Why self-discipline isn’t the solution you’ve been taught it is
Many women unconsciously treat themselves as the thing that needs managing. More discipline, more structure, more control. But this approach often creates resentment and burnout rather than momentum.
What changes when you see yourself as the source
When you see yourself as the asset, your energy, clarity, and capacity to decide — rest becomes maintenance rather than reward, boundaries become sensible rather than selfish, and responsibility feels less heavy. Life shifts from something happening to you to something you are actively leading.
Why Rest Is a Relationship Practice, Not a Reward
How guilt-free rest signals safety
Rest reveals how safe you feel with yourself. If rest comes with guilt or justification, it isn’t truly restorative. A loving relationship allows rest without explanation because it understands sustainability.
The difference between rest and avoidance
Avoidance numbs; rest restores. The difference is the presence or absence of judgment. When rest is chosen from respect rather than escape, it replenishes rather than depletes.
A Practical Way to Start Changing the Relationship
The neutrality practice
Choose one small moment where you would normally criticise yourself, something unfinished, forgotten, or delayed. Describe only the neutral facts of the situation, without interpretation or judgment. Notice what changes in your body and mind.
How to respond to yourself when things don’t go to plan
Then ask yourself one simple question: How would I respond to myself here if I were on my own side? You are not required to fix, motivate, or improve yourself. You are practising staying in relationship instead of going to war.
Nothing Needs Fixing And Everything Can Change
How self-trust is built in imperfect moments
Self-trust is not built when life runs smoothly. It’s built in the moments when things don’t go to plan and you choose steadiness over self-correction.
Why safety creates sustainable growth
Growth that comes from safety lasts. When the relationship softens, change happens naturally, without force or fear.
A Final Invitation
This week, notice the tone you use with yourself when things don’t go the way you hoped. Not to fix it or improve it, but simply to become aware of it. You don’t need to do more to build a loving relationship with yourself. You just need to stop treating yourself as a problem to be solved.
And if you’d like to come to talk to me about how coaching can help, book a 20 minute Connection Call here.
This blog is inspired by the work I do with my clients during sessions, and brought to you in partnership with AI.
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